Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
