Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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