Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
