now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
