We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
