Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
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I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.