I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor