can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.