No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for