dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
