and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
