Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
