ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
