I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
