Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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