Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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