dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
