just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
