just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
