Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
