I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
