i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
