I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
