Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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