Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
