What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
