Ambien. No doubt about it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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