Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
