Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
