I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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