I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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