I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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