I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
