I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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