he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you win again, gameday.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
