i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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