If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
