I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
