I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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