Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
