sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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