i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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