Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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