I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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