you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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