My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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