yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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