Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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