now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I cut my penus on the lid.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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