So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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