I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
