Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it's not cheating when I paid for it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
