Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
