Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Text me some of your sweat
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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