I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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