we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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