you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
