i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
