Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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