She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
