did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
